How to guarantee I won't write (favorably) about your product, service or message

I'll be the first to admit I'm a sucker for a good pitch. Probably a mistake, given I administer several blogs and write an advice column for actors (a.k.a. the Neediest People on Earth), but it's true: if you have a good story or question and I'm not swamped, I'll probably help you out. I enjoy being useful!

On the other hand, if you hit me up with a lame pitch--or worse, a lame pitch attached to a loser cover letter--look out, for you deserve no mercy.

I mean, really: you are sending out a pitch for advertising on people's appendages. Some part of you (no pun intended) has to realize this makes you at least a target for mockery, if not an outright idiot. On top of that, you don't even bother to customize the message? (Or, more likely, cough up enough to find decent outsourced help.)

Actual first paragraph of the query:

I found your site http://www.marketingmixblog.com/ and I wanted to know if you could Blog or write an article about how advertiser are now looking at your skin in a whole new way! You can write your own article; alternatively you may use this recent press release below. You also take a look at the [redacted product name] samples and information on our site at [redacted]. Thanks!

I don't know what I'm more impressed with: the terrioutstandingly creative pitch or the equally creative use of mail merge to customize the query.

But the best part of the email came at the end:

NOTE: INFORMATION IN THIS E-MAIL AND ANY ATTACHMENTS IS CONFIDENTIAL,  AND MAY NOT BE COPIED OR USED BY ANYONE OTHER THAN THE ADDRESSEE, NOR DISCLOSED TO ANY THIRD PARTY WITHOUT OUR PERMISSION.

Because there's nothing like telling me to quote you...without quoting you!

What's the worst pitch you ever got? Do you save them for a good laugh (or rant)?

Comments

[Dani Nordin]

I ranted about this a few months ago in my blog. There's so little I hate more than companies who don't bother actually researching my business before they contact me. I got a string of pitches from folks who wanted to list my site in KITCHEN DESIGN directories, and another bunch of folks who wanted to know if I "had a site online" because they did "professional web design and hosting." My approximate answer was, "really? That's great - so do I. Have a great day!"

The short and long of the story is that doing research before you bother somebody not only saves you the bad impression that comes from being that idiot that calls you for a service you don't need - it saves you time because you're not calling folks who will never need your services.